Ana's brother is visiting for the wknd. He came back to our place last night drunk to find me passed out naked it in the shower with the water still running. I was still drunk. We decided it was a good idea to have sex and sleep on the bathroom floor. Woke up this morning spooning and using my towel as a pillow.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
