I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
We named our party play list daddy issues
stop calling my apartment porn island.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
We can just chill or day drink or smoke or watch law and order marathon or play just dance 4 or watch a movie or go to the movies or play hide and seek or hug, so many options
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
