Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
I don't send those kind of pictures unless the recipient has already been up close and personal with it. I don't give previews, but I will provide recaps.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
