just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize