why is it impossible to run with a back pack without looking like a giant d-bag?
haha... you gave me a great visual of you in high white socks running with a backpack with eye of the tiger playing in the background
that only happened once.
so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Randomize
