I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
This toilet bowl is my home.
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