Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
worst night to have a conscience
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
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