Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
