I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
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