the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
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