and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
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