don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
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