I meant the "stage" gay, Not the "bend me over and call me Gary" gay.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
Randomize
