You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Randomize
