Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
I wish there were birth control emojis
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
Randomize