Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
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