I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
Randomize
