I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
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