i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
Randomize
