Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
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