You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
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