woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
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