yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Randomize
