Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
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