Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
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