Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
You can't just leave with hair like that
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
