then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
fuck your aforementioned shoe
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
Randomize
