Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
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