i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
Two girls down stairs, two girls up stairs and....
We've got ourselves a situation
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize