Lavender boy was great at seduction and crappy in bed.
When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
Holy shit dude........stairs
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
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