Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
Randomize
