oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Randomize
