Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Randomize
