tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
Randomize
