You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
