Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
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