You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
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