it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Randomize
