you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
Randomize