so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
Randomize
