it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
God gave him joint rollers for hands
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
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