thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
yeah but I shoulda known it\'d be bad when he start rubbing my pubic bone instead of the clit! Awkkkkwarddd
There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
Randomize
