just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
Randomize
