that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
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