At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
no you cant smoke seaweed
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
