getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
I am sorry, you're response was not recognized. Please try again.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
Randomize
