the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
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