new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
Randomize
