i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
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