I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
i out mim tonsoeep
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
Randomize