I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
