The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
Fact: Godrick looks like David Archuleta
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
Randomize
