Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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