you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
I DEMAND FORESKIN
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
