I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
I asked about his 3 inch scar on his chest. It's from when he had to castrate a bull on the estancia. Apparently this is how good bull meat is made.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
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