Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
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