Yeh xou jao i ama wa7tdud !!
Oh my god. its not even twelve thirty and you are useless.
If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
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