There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
So, it's like build-a-bear for your vag?
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
