I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
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