giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Randomize
